hello there

hello there from my tiny planet to yours. i need to write to organize my thoughts. and i need to pray to realign my heart. my whole self is in quite a big mess.

Dear God forgive me.

I hate it when the first thing she says when she steps into the house is a curse and complain and some derogatory term used to .. i don't know.. make feel guilty? annoys me to no end to be constantly receiving expectations and condemnation. i yearn for a bit of my own space. my own time. my own holiday. my own something. some place i can retreat to where no one can touch me or holler at me or say mean things to me. a place where people will leave me alone when i want to be alone. where i can refuse to do what i don't want to do and not be obliged by some strange unjustified reason to constantly provide help over and over and over again. i don't want to be treated like some tool, being used and receiving all kinds of abuse emotionally.

its the whole 'if you don't do it you're such an unfilial child' implication. i hate implications. aren't all these just emotional blackmail? then there's dad. its always his priorities first. so the reason why i'm brought up to be self-less is so that i can serve the needs of a selfish other? its just beginning to hit me so hard now, that the world is such a selfish place. an irony that i should be thinking such cus i'm probably a hypocrite and victim of my own words.

i'm tired of doing what you tell me to do. i want to have a will of my own. to do things i want to do and not have to answer to every single other person and get unwanted approvals or disapprovals cus my life is mine and not yours. who is anyone to tell me how i should live my life? am i starting to sound defiant? but no one apart from God can tell me what to do.

and the irony of all things : God's word says to honour thy parents.

sometimes i just wish i could sink to the bottom of the sea and stay there with the fish. somewhere i can be alone to do what i want to do. to not have to listen to all the trash about you hating you who suspects you of all that rubbish. i wish i could just tell you both to shut up and listen to yourselves. if you want to rant, go rant it at each other. you guys are the source of your self-wrought problems anyway. i'm tired of sticking my head in. tired of being the object battered in between. tired of being your pigeon and tired of being a boxing bag. i'd rather someone beat me up that verbally dump all the load of trash on me.

am i just tired?

maybe i have strayed. Lord i just yearn for some of my own. yes some of my own. my own. anything. something. cus i'm losing myself and i don't know me anymore.

then again, it may just be me and my little heart.

do i need to learn tolerance all over again?

The Tongue of Man

and indeed the Word of God is Truth.

For it has been on my mind for a while, this issue about the untamable tongue. and it has been bothering me, the way people talk, and the things we all say, be it to ourselves, or to others. and here's what the Word tells us:

My brethren, let not many of you become teachers, knowing that we shall receive stricter judgment. For we all stumble in many things. If anyone does not stumble in word, he is a perfect man, able also to bridle the whole body.

Indeed, we put bits in horses' mouths that they may obey us, and we turn their whole body. Look also at ships: although they are so large and are driven by fierce winds, they are turned by a very small rudder wherever the pilot desires.

Even so the tongue is a little member and boasts great things. See how great a forest a little fire kindles! And the tongue is fire, a world of iniquity. The tongue is so set among our members that it defiles the whole body, and sets on fire the course of nature; and it is set on fire by hell.

For every kind of beast and bird, of reptile and creature of the sea, is tamed and has been tamed by man-kind. But no man can tame the tongue. It is an unruly evil, full of deadly posion. With it we bless our God and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in the similitude of God.

Out of the same mouth proceed blessing and cursing. My brethren, these things ought not to be so. Does a spring send forth fresh water and bitter from the same opening?

Can a fig tree, my brethren, bear olives, or a grapevine bear figs? Thus no spring yields both salt water and fresh.

James 3:1 - 12

in evaluating my own life the past month. i indeed have fallen short. fallen short of the glory of our Lord. as again. Forgive me o Lord i pray.

@@ about to die

ahah! this be the first post of this year. and it shall be a melancholic one, for i am striken by grief! well not exactly grief... its more of frustration and the i'm-gonna-die-soon feeling. let me list you what i have on hand that needs to be accomplished within week. then i'll leave you to wonder why i still am here, spending that precious time blogging away. if you must know, i am in desperate need to vent my frustrations and just release my swimming head from the tight swirls. its almost as if i am being flushed down some toilet bowl. but again, i digress.

So here,
Its a wednesday night and there's HI Club closing ceremony on friday. guess what! i'm interpreting for Sheng Long as emcee. and apart from that i'm involved in drama. and opening song signing item which lyrics i just got hold off today. that, and the emcee script. gosh. how will it pull through? by the grace of my Lord.

ah.

and then there's CD1.3, MYC, LAECY and the class production. oh my gosh. i am about to die. God help me please.

i can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

wa @@.

One Day

One more day to another year. yet again it feels like i'm aging. Will be 20 this coming year. oh gosh that sure sounds old. And this year-end's festivities don't really feel like much of the usual cheery anticipation and what not... for one, it feels like everything's moving a little to quickly especially with the hopelessly short holiday we've got of a miserable 2 weeks. And also the lack of conclusion that usually comes with the end of a school year in november. now my school year ends in february, and it takes some getting used to. hmmm.

Now let's see. there's a tonne of reflecting to do, that i know i should do, and i would want to do, but can never really get down to doing... cus i'm addicted to this new online manga called pretty face, thanks to my didi hanliang =.= and even as i blog i'm reading it. it's pretty entertaining i must say... but to get myself on track, i shall list the upcoming assignments due, for record sake as well as to crack the whip on myself a little...

1. CS 2 Lesson Plans for Math - 5 Jan 2007
2. FP General Report Observation PIES - 8 Jan 2007
3. LAECY Lesson Plan - 9 Jan 2007
4. SCV individual reflection - 11 Jan 2007
5. MYC PIES Report - 17 Jan 2007
6. CHN Presentation - 29 Jan 2007

ohmigosh. ~dies~ yes i really need to start working. @@ i predict sleepless nights ahead. sigh. So much to do yet i don't feel like doing anything at all.

swirly swirly sleep.

the year is coming to an end. Oh Lord what is in store in the year to come? So many things to think back on this past year. regretable things, things to be thankful for... funny things, upsetting things... hmmm. Thank You Daddy.

and its the festive season~~!

Christmas is coming, the goose is getting fat~~~ lalala~

and i'm sick again -.- ughhh. but enough about that. i shall be happy that for once today i haven't anything particular that i need to do and i can actually sit down and blog while waiting for the pill to take effect and start yawning me to my bed =P

the holidays are coming! but dang it sure doesn't feel like its december... neither does it feel like a festive season nor a holiday period. how sad is that... tonnes of assignments driving me nuts even before i sit down to attempt them. am about to die @@ nuuuuuuuuuuuu. cannot. merely looking at the list of work i have to complete kills my enthusiasm in almost everything. so much so that i don't even feel like waking up in the mornings. zzz.

So let's talk about happier things instead of this pessismistic outlook on my poor coming holidays... Let's have my happy Christmas list! wheee......

All i want for Christmas!

1. A nice small digi-cam
2. Some pretty dresses and more pretty tops... :)
3. To be able to attend church with dearie from next year onwards
4. For my mama to join a cellgroup
5. A new swimsuit
6. how about an external harddisk drive~
7. An NKJV leather bible
8. a healthy body and happy family
9. a hat?

can't think of anymore at the mo... sleep is beckoning~~~ swirly swirly. here goes. i'm going to bed now. Ta~~

i need sleep

hmmm. its been a long while since i had the time to post. my apologies to the faithful readers out there who come back time and time again to find the same old stale posts! been busier than a bee these days... the assignments and the workload is piling up, especially with hi club. i'm teaching my first class tomorrow! basic sign language that is, if you're wondering... kinda nervous. and SCV presentation is tmr... @@ so tiring doing up the entire script. i hope everything goes well tmr. its 40% for the module that's weighted in that single presentation... and there's been quite a bit of conflict amongst my group members... that, i shall mention another time perhaps cus its getting quite late and my eyelids are growing heavier by the moment. geez.

what was it that i wanted to post about? oh yes, two things.

1. some strange imposter borrowed my name to post something obscene on the class blog tagboard. i wonder who i've unknowingly offended.

2. kids are totally adorable. and it's absolutely *awwww* to see 3-year-old girls fight over a 3-year-old boy... pretty strange sight it is, but cute nonetheless. interesting stuff we see at childcare centres... haha.

yes i'm tired. shall update again soon i hope. aiights. goodnight everyone.

over the mountains and the sea

oh my gosh, my Lord my God... what was that?

and my mind is spinning round and round. God how much you must love me. to send someone to call me from half way around the world, just to sit me down and open my bible to read your word again. just to point that firm yet gentle finger at my heart and unblind the eyes that i myself have veiled. i am so so amazed. too amazed. i'm at a loss for words.

You are amazing.
God You are so amazing.
Thank You, Lord.

and your life, my friend, is the biggest living testimony i've personally known. praise be to God on high.

but Lord here i am again. and i fear. my spirit knows i fear but the wrong things. the words of man, and not the Word of God. i fear many things that i should not. and yet the one thing i should fear, i don't.

what should i do Lord? it has always been difficult to talk to Him about my walk with You. how i feel truly about certain things because he has so many of his own opinions that he holds fast to, and i fear losing him, esp after all that's happened. i'm afraid of causing conflict. i'm afraid of letting him go if You ask me to.

and You bring to mind Abraham, who willingly gave his son as a sacrifice to You knowing that You were the one who gave to him. and Lord You spared Isaac by Your loving grace and mercy. How far have i fallen? in witholding this Lordship.

i've always called you my Lord, my Saviour. but how true has it been? Lord of what? Lord of the things that i LET you be Lord of? i'm starting to see. but my heart still trembles. what does it mean to let You be Lord over everything. over the circumstances and consequences? If You told me to let him go. would i?

i fear O Lord, the coming of such a day.

then i look back and i can only point the finger at myself for giving too much that i shouldn't have given. now i fear losing all of that which i have given. and since when did i start deluding myself into believing a lie that i knew was wrong all along? Forgive me O Lord i ask. continue to guide me in Your way i ask.

For You have been nothing but faithful. how may i be faithful to You also?

'God only puts you through what you can handle.'

'I dreamt.... and i would break out in tongues. but last night, i walked away from it.'

'what kind of love is that? sooner or later it would just become a habit.'

'read John 14:1 and Joshua 1:5'

how, Lord, how? help me.