of(F)-white

hello there

2007-09-20T21:03:00.000+08:00

hello there from my tiny planet to yours. i need to write to organize my thoughts. and i need to pray to realign my heart. my whole self is in quite a big mess.

Dear God forgive me.

I hate it when the first thing she says when she steps into the house is a curse and complain and some derogatory term used to .. i don't know.. make feel guilty? annoys me to no end to be constantly receiving expectations and condemnation. i yearn for a bit of my own space. my own time. my own holiday. my own something. some place i can retreat to where no one can touch me or holler at me or say mean things to me. a place where people will leave me alone when i want to be alone. where i can refuse to do what i don't want to do and not be obliged by some strange unjustified reason to constantly provide help over and over and over again. i don't want to be treated like some tool, being used and receiving all kinds of abuse emotionally.

its the whole 'if you don't do it you're such an unfilial child' implication. i hate implications. aren't all these just emotional blackmail? then there's dad. its always his priorities first. so the reason why i'm brought up to be self-less is so that i can serve the needs of a selfish other? its just beginning to hit me so hard now, that the world is such a selfish place. an irony that i should be thinking such cus i'm probably a hypocrite and victim of my own words.

i'm tired of doing what you tell me to do. i want to have a will of my own. to do things i want to do and not have to answer to every single other person and get unwanted approvals or disapprovals cus my life is mine and not yours. who is anyone to tell me how i should live my life? am i starting to sound defiant? but no one apart from God can tell me what to do.

and the irony of all things : God's word says to honour thy parents.

sometimes i just wish i could sink to the bottom of the sea and stay there with the fish. somewhere i can be alone to do what i want to do. to not have to listen to all the trash about you hating you who suspects you of all that rubbish. i wish i could just tell you both to shut up and listen to yourselves. if you want to rant, go rant it at each other. you guys are the source of your self-wrought problems anyway. i'm tired of sticking my head in. tired of being the object battered in between. tired of being your pigeon and tired of being a boxing bag. i'd rather someone beat me up that verbally dump all the load of trash on me.

am i just tired?

maybe i have strayed. Lord i just yearn for some of my own. yes some of my own. my own. anything. something. cus i'm losing myself and i don't know me anymore.

then again, it may just be me and my little heart.

do i need to learn tolerance all over again?

The Tongue of Man

2007-02-10T20:19:00.000+08:00

and indeed the Word of God is Truth.

For it has been on my mind for a while, this issue about the untamable tongue. and it has been bothering me, the way people talk, and the things we all say, be it to ourselves, or to others. and here's what the Word tells us:

My brethren, let not many of you become teachers, knowing that we shall receive stricter judgment. For we all stumble in many things. If anyone does not stumble in word, he is a perfect man, able also to bridle the whole body.

Indeed, we put bits in horses' mouths that they may obey us, and we turn their whole body. Look also at ships: although they are so large and are driven by fierce winds, they are turned by a very small rudder wherever the pilot desires.

Even so the tongue is a little member and boasts great things. See how great a forest a little fire kindles! And the tongue is fire, a world of iniquity. The tongue is so set among our members that it defiles the whole body, and sets on fire the course of nature; and it is set on fire by hell.

For every kind of beast and bird, of reptile and creature of the sea, is tamed and has been tamed by man-kind. But no man can tame the tongue. It is an unruly evil, full of deadly posion. With it we bless our God and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in the similitude of God.

Out of the same mouth proceed blessing and cursing. My brethren, these things ought not to be so. Does a spring send forth fresh water and bitter from the same opening?

Can a fig tree, my brethren, bear olives, or a grapevine bear figs? Thus no spring yields both salt water and fresh.

James 3:1 - 12

in evaluating my own life the past month. i indeed have fallen short. fallen short of the glory of our Lord. as again. Forgive me o Lord i pray.

@@ about to die

2007-01-24T22:07:00.000+08:00

ahah! this be the first post of this year. and it shall be a melancholic one, for i am striken by grief! well not exactly grief... its more of frustration and the i'm-gonna-die-soon feeling. let me list you what i have on hand that needs to be accomplished within week. then i'll leave you to wonder why i still am here, spending that precious time blogging away. if you must know, i am in desperate need to vent my frustrations and just release my swimming head from the tight swirls. its almost as if i am being flushed down some toilet bowl. but again, i digress.

So here,
Its a wednesday night and there's HI Club closing ceremony on friday. guess what! i'm interpreting for Sheng Long as emcee. and apart from that i'm involved in drama. and opening song signing item which lyrics i just got hold off today. that, and the emcee script. gosh. how will it pull through? by the grace of my Lord.

ah.

and then there's CD1.3, MYC, LAECY and the class production. oh my gosh. i am about to die. God help me please.

i can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

wa @@.

One Day

2006-12-31T00:18:00.000+08:00

One more day to another year. yet again it feels like i'm aging. Will be 20 this coming year. oh gosh that sure sounds old. And this year-end's festivities don't really feel like much of the usual cheery anticipation and what not... for one, it feels like everything's moving a little to quickly especially with the hopelessly short holiday we've got of a miserable 2 weeks. And also the lack of conclusion that usually comes with the end of a school year in november. now my school year ends in february, and it takes some getting used to. hmmm.

Now let's see. there's a tonne of reflecting to do, that i know i should do, and i would want to do, but can never really get down to doing... cus i'm addicted to this new online manga called pretty face, thanks to my didi hanliang =.= and even as i blog i'm reading it. it's pretty entertaining i must say... but to get myself on track, i shall list the upcoming assignments due, for record sake as well as to crack the whip on myself a little...

1. CS 2 Lesson Plans for Math - 5 Jan 2007
2. FP General Report Observation PIES - 8 Jan 2007
3. LAECY Lesson Plan - 9 Jan 2007
4. SCV individual reflection - 11 Jan 2007
5. MYC PIES Report - 17 Jan 2007
6. CHN Presentation - 29 Jan 2007

ohmigosh. ~dies~ yes i really need to start working. @@ i predict sleepless nights ahead. sigh. So much to do yet i don't feel like doing anything at all.

swirly swirly sleep.

the year is coming to an end. Oh Lord what is in store in the year to come? So many things to think back on this past year. regretable things, things to be thankful for... funny things, upsetting things... hmmm. Thank You Daddy.

and its the festive season~~!

2006-12-13T20:13:00.000+08:00

Christmas is coming, the goose is getting fat~~~ lalala~

and i'm sick again -.- ughhh. but enough about that. i shall be happy that for once today i haven't anything particular that i need to do and i can actually sit down and blog while waiting for the pill to take effect and start yawning me to my bed =P

the holidays are coming! but dang it sure doesn't feel like its december... neither does it feel like a festive season nor a holiday period. how sad is that... tonnes of assignments driving me nuts even before i sit down to attempt them. am about to die @@ nuuuuuuuuuuuu. cannot. merely looking at the list of work i have to complete kills my enthusiasm in almost everything. so much so that i don't even feel like waking up in the mornings. zzz.

So let's talk about happier things instead of this pessismistic outlook on my poor coming holidays... Let's have my happy Christmas list! wheee......

All i want for Christmas!

1. A nice small digi-cam
2. Some pretty dresses and more pretty tops... :)
3. To be able to attend church with dearie from next year onwards
4. For my mama to join a cellgroup
5. A new swimsuit
6. how about an external harddisk drive~
7. An NKJV leather bible
8. a healthy body and happy family
9. a hat?

can't think of anymore at the mo... sleep is beckoning~~~ swirly swirly. here goes. i'm going to bed now. Ta~~

i need sleep

2006-11-15T23:02:00.000+08:00

hmmm. its been a long while since i had the time to post. my apologies to the faithful readers out there who come back time and time again to find the same old stale posts! been busier than a bee these days... the assignments and the workload is piling up, especially with hi club. i'm teaching my first class tomorrow! basic sign language that is, if you're wondering... kinda nervous. and SCV presentation is tmr... @@ so tiring doing up the entire script. i hope everything goes well tmr. its 40% for the module that's weighted in that single presentation... and there's been quite a bit of conflict amongst my group members... that, i shall mention another time perhaps cus its getting quite late and my eyelids are growing heavier by the moment. geez.

what was it that i wanted to post about? oh yes, two things.

1. some strange imposter borrowed my name to post something obscene on the class blog tagboard. i wonder who i've unknowingly offended.

2. kids are totally adorable. and it's absolutely *awwww* to see 3-year-old girls fight over a 3-year-old boy... pretty strange sight it is, but cute nonetheless. interesting stuff we see at childcare centres... haha.

yes i'm tired. shall update again soon i hope. aiights. goodnight everyone.

over the mountains and the sea

2006-10-26T22:08:00.000+08:00

oh my gosh, my Lord my God... what was that?

and my mind is spinning round and round. God how much you must love me. to send someone to call me from half way around the world, just to sit me down and open my bible to read your word again. just to point that firm yet gentle finger at my heart and unblind the eyes that i myself have veiled. i am so so amazed. too amazed. i'm at a loss for words.

You are amazing.
God You are so amazing.
Thank You, Lord.

and your life, my friend, is the biggest living testimony i've personally known. praise be to God on high.

but Lord here i am again. and i fear. my spirit knows i fear but the wrong things. the words of man, and not the Word of God. i fear many things that i should not. and yet the one thing i should fear, i don't.

what should i do Lord? it has always been difficult to talk to Him about my walk with You. how i feel truly about certain things because he has so many of his own opinions that he holds fast to, and i fear losing him, esp after all that's happened. i'm afraid of causing conflict. i'm afraid of letting him go if You ask me to.

and You bring to mind Abraham, who willingly gave his son as a sacrifice to You knowing that You were the one who gave to him. and Lord You spared Isaac by Your loving grace and mercy. How far have i fallen? in witholding this Lordship.

i've always called you my Lord, my Saviour. but how true has it been? Lord of what? Lord of the things that i LET you be Lord of? i'm starting to see. but my heart still trembles. what does it mean to let You be Lord over everything. over the circumstances and consequences? If You told me to let him go. would i?

i fear O Lord, the coming of such a day.

then i look back and i can only point the finger at myself for giving too much that i shouldn't have given. now i fear losing all of that which i have given. and since when did i start deluding myself into believing a lie that i knew was wrong all along? Forgive me O Lord i ask. continue to guide me in Your way i ask.

For You have been nothing but faithful. how may i be faithful to You also?

'God only puts you through what you can handle.'

'I dreamt.... and i would break out in tongues. but last night, i walked away from it.'

'what kind of love is that? sooner or later it would just become a habit.'

'read John 14:1 and Joshua 1:5'

how, Lord, how? help me.

Testimony testimony!

2006-10-18T20:43:00.000+08:00

Praise be to the Lord on high! For He is faithful in all things, and His mercies endure forever~!

weee. first update since i've shifted house! (: just had a good dinner with my family. YES MY FAMILY. as in dad mom and sis. like FINALLY. as in, home-cooked meal, after so long! i really thank God for that wonderful time, although short. and my mom actually spoke to my dad. ^^ i am happy ((((:

Dad was sharing with us over dinner, some amazing testimonies that he heard from his friends. Christian friends. oh how i praise God for good Christian brethren! Indeed He is faithful in answering our prayers. dad was telling us bout an Frenchman who got saved by a surfer angel. how cool is that! well he didn't exactly phrase it that way... i added in the angel part cus i really think it was an angel... how else would it be so timely and so prompt? interesting... i wanna see angels too!

mmm. and i trust that God will continue to be with my family and lead us in His ways.

So yes, about new house. lovely lovely place it is. i like it alot. so much more homely than my grams' house maybe cus at least i don't return home to an idol altar anymore. haha~ but it seems my grams and uncle miss us alot. kinda miss them too. oh yes i thank God for my beloved uncle. and i pray he be shown God's realness too. He did up our whole house. and in yes, whole entire house - the scrapping, tearing down of the old stuffs (i.e. damn weird wallpaper thing and wirings in the cornices), plastering, skim coating, painting the many many layers, doing up all the lights and fans and electric socket points plus phone points, toilet sink moving, piping for washing machine and the list goes on.... ain't he one able man! and we saved so so much money on all that. (: praise be to our Lord who provides.

and i love my fridge. ^^ those who haven't heard about my happy fridge testimony can come ask me :)

now what else? hmmm. i pray that Lord You watch over my dear uncle and his health. teach him to give up smoking please! ahhh so terrible. so bad for his health.

and yes, i thank God for my dearie. oh wait, and my wonder mum! ahhh so much to thank God for. haha (: i thank God for joy. mmm. yes.

dearie? thanks. i appreciate your respect and concern for me. more than words can express. loves.

and Papa God... ^^ You know. (:

ta~

2006-10-04T15:23:00.000+08:00

i hate cramps.
and i hate people who make empty promises even more. yes people, not the action of doing so, because this goes to show the person's character and how reliable he is.

of synaptic impulses

2006-09-29T23:17:00.000+08:00

Sometimes i think i think too little such that my brain doesn't really work after awhile. either that or i think too fast that the thoughts don't exactly sink or register in my head before they are whisked away to some remote corner in the back of my brain. i wonder if anyone has ever felt that before... or am i just weird? most of the time i'd think i am but then i'd discover a few months or years down the road that others actually experience the same things... the curious nature of the human cognity. and my boy would argue that mine doesn't exist.

so enough about that strange i-don't-know-what. somehow i always need something to start my flow of thought (esp if i were to put it down in text) else it doesn't really flow properly. more often than not i think about so so much to say and to blog about, but when i actually sit down and open up the dinky little browser, my thoughts run dry and i end up not writing anything. yes i am often afraid of ranting incessantly without a clear objective (and you can see why now) and boring my readers out there. then again, i haven't decided whether or not this is to be yet another of my private blogs or to make this a public one. its quite a hassle to maintain a proper blog with a nice tagboard and proper skins etc... i'm not sure if i'm up for it yet.

anyways, i'm still sitting in the middle of my holidays... and it has felt that way since like 2 weeks ago cus this holiday is so long and i haven't exactly anything specific to accomplish during this period except for the assortment of little errands to run like buying of things for the new house and helping dwights with his geography. and of course not to forget, looking after the penguin who is growing hopelessly chubby. looks like i'm doing an awfully good job. they should pay me!

talk about pay. i seriously need to find a job. from $2,400 + -----> $300 measly bucks left in my savings account T___T how utterly sad is that. and dearie and i went window shopping today (not really intended but he wanted to get his bangers and mash so we WALKED all the way to balmoral plaza for a bite at Waffle House, ironically not for waffles but for burgers, and then to far east.... which is .... faaaar. and i realized today that newton mrt station is actually VERY near to Orchard Road) So, back to window shopping... the clothes and accessories, ear-rings in particular, are so pretty and tempting... i've got a mental list of things i want to buy. but then again everyone knows i never get down to actually spending that money on myself cus i'm very much a miser when it comes to me... plus the nagging fact that i have only $300 left in my poor poor account... the feeling kinda eats you up. this sad sad pitiful *whine* i-can't-afford-those-pretty-things feeling. bahh. so yes, that about sums up why i need to find a job.

so many many many pretty things! and just to sate my yearnings, i shall make a tiny list of them here so that perhaps i may sleep better tonight by getting them out of my head...

1. nice earrings. i never get enough of them!
2. pretty skirts
3. and tops (the 2-in-1 piece kinds and the off shoulder kinds)
4. lingerie, proper.lingerie.
5. dresses! now who wears dresses at this age! o wells i'm growing old.
6. hats! aish the $1.90 hat! (yes they're selling these cute hats at only $1.90 at Dhoby Exchange!!)
7. a proper pair of walking sandal's slippers... (since i got caught in the rain early this month, mine have gone kinda soggy and puffy... T_T)
8. i lost my bikini
9. how bout those pretty pretty accessories for hair, hands, neck... everywhere!

haha. i seriously think i'm turning into a tai-tai. this is bad. i'm becoming a girl. never used to drool so much after all these attractive things. yes i'm almost always in those berms and big huge t-shirts that are recycled every other day. i'm 19 but people take me for a pri-5 kid. how sad is that. sighs. but its not that i don't want to dress well.... it just.... takes so much effort to. for one, i'd need to be able to afford the clothes. then its the hair and the tedious process of removing em. (if you've seen my leg hair you'll understand). then its the accesorizing.... time-consuming but always worth the while.

doing it halfway, however, has never been my style. so its either dress totally for comfort, or really make it look good. it usually falls under the former, sadly.

i aspire to revamp my wardrobe. (: and look presentable everyday. by presentable, i mean stylish. don't burst my bubble. i can and will achieve it. some day. when God so decides He will provide more to allow that.

I know my God is faithful. and yes! my house is almost ready! we're moving in next month! how exciting! Apart from the fact that my room is blue and yellow. think CANDY blue and yellow. quite strange indeed. but the hall looks pretty good. lime green and pale yellow. to think the some fellow in the neighbouring block tried to copy us by painting similar colours! haha~ mum's sense of colours is honestly quite brilliant. i just find the lights a tad too bright. but its all good. (: Praise God for my uncle who helped us to do up almost everything! and Praise God no one really blamed me for killing the main door.... eeks. ask me if you want to know more about how i cleverly locked 4 of us inside the new house. meeps.

so there. and each time i blog, its such a long entry. either that, or i don't blog. oh wells. i need more consistency in my life. till then. you'll have to make do with this~ (:

awesome

2006-09-18T12:10:00.000+08:00

Zeph 3:17

When Brent looked at me, the first word he said was music. i was amazed. how did he know, that out of the people there, i was serving in the music ministry, and not an usher, or sound crew or something...

and he read my name as... "quing" ling (most caucasians tend to pronounce my name that way on first sight). what does your name mean he asked. celebration and longevity, i replied, but he kinda cut me off after i said celebration and he pointed out that my parents must have been greatly inspired in giving me that name. i made a feeble effort to conceal my disbelief by widening my eyes in attempt to give the 'really? oh cool!' look.

Then he said, the Lord our God rejoices over you in singing. If you want to know what the song is about, turn to Zeph 3:17 and you'll find it there.

I see you in, a flowing robe... he gestures the outline of a hood over my head. and i can't remember if the rest was just a figment of my imagination or part of what he said, so i shall not mention it.

how could he tell? O_O never had anyone prophesy over me before.

the Lord our God the Father rejoices over me in singing! awesome.

Breakthrough!

2006-09-14T12:13:00.000+08:00

and only by the blood of the Lamb. praise be to God!

the importance of reading the Word of God. and the authority given to us in our words. lots of reinforcements.

"awaken O you sleeper, awaken from your deep slumber!"
now what have i missed while i was asleep!

and the carnal nature is DEAD.

DEAD DEAD DEAD DEAD! hah. so if the devil ever manages to convince you that it has some hold over you, he's deceiving you.

and the present perfect tense.
am i making any sense at all? perhaps i shall blog again soon, when my head's a little clearer =) taa~

of random thoughts

2006-09-04T23:06:00.000+08:00

*POW* SOW. Somehow though, it took some kind of stamina to sustain worshipping for 2 hours straight. i think the days spent standing in our SN field listening to xiao zhang talk pays off. =) but my feet still hurt about 1.5 into worshipping. need to go running and exercising soon. otherwise i'm cultivating a pet tummy. eeks.

and yay! my mama is talking to me again. thank God. hee. and now they're talking about the importance of a nice toilet in a house. things we women talk about. its so expensive to do up our new place... things we need/want to get:

1. repaint the walls
2. fridge
3. washing machine
4. a new toilet bowl (hey its not my idea, ask my sis...-_-)
5. folding doors
6. proper window grails
7. the flooring; proper tiles

sighs. expensive heh. God please provide!

journal of hospital life

2006-08-27T21:36:00.000+08:00

My God is faithful.

That's what He's been throughout the days of my life. Praise be to God on high.

thank you Lord for taking away the fears I had.
thank you Lord for watching over him when no one else could.
thank you Lord for healing his back.
thank you Lord for healing me and sustaining my health and emotions.
thank you Lord for your love that is greater than all things.

thank You.

i still remember the sick feeling of worry that knot up like my stomach was being wrung and twisted over and over again. i remember the ache that seized my heart - i was looking for you, and i lay on your bed alone in the cold, clutching your pillow and wishing for once that you were in its place. a silent tear fell. i remember that horrible, horrible, empty feeling.

i remember the immense heart-wrenching feeling of pain. you came back into the cold, cold ward - wheeled in on one of those scary-looking hospital beds. i saw the flutter of your eyelids as you struggled to keep your eyes focused on the figures moving around you. i remember your weak smile. as if you were trying through all that pain to tell me that you were alright. i remember the helpless feeling that ate me up inside. i wanted to run to your bedside. i wanted to... i didn't even know what i wanted to do. cus i knew i could do nothing to ease the pain behind your faint smile. when your vision fell on me, you gave me a -rawR- and the glimmer in your eye was still there, but i could feel your agony. yet you still tried.

i remember the hot tears that welled up. i remember the sound of the curtains being drawn. and the cruel sound of the metal of the bed. your groan tore my heart out. and again, waves of helplessness came crashing down. i dug my nails into my palms. and i never felt more inclined to curse anyone as much ever. the darned clumsy nurses. how could anyone do this to my baby. how could anyone.

i remember the blank dazed-ness. i knew not what to say or do for you. i could only touch your hand and stroke it with the little strength left within me. looking at you sapped me of my wellness. yet i knew i had to be strong for you.

----------------------------------------------------------

i remember the terrible morphine drip. the bottle of blood that hung from your bedside. and the horrible urine *how do you spell it?* i remember the lines of discomfort that crept across your face each time you tried to move.

i remember the first time in so long that i could not sleep. i remember waking up, and falling back into trance-like sleep before waking up again, to squint and check the clock, waiting for dawn to arrive. i remember the ache that crept through my bones and the yawn that enveloped my whole being. and i remember all of it leaving me once i laid eyes on your tired, worn face. i remember not being hungry at all, and still having the energy to stand for most parts of the day, not longing for a single wink of sleep. and i remember the immense fatigue that overcame me after that.

i remember how you'd stare blankly through my face and expressionlessly graze your gaze past my worried eyes. i remember how it hurt. how it hurt to feel unwanted and ignored. to be taken for granted. i remember the confusion and conflict in my spirit. the tears that would well up and then be swallowed. i knew it was not the time to be selfish. i knew my needs stood far below yours. so i stepped on my own hurt and longing for reciprocation of concern. i feared that things would change after the whole episode. that i would no longer find comfort or reciprocation of love from you. that i would have to continue to trample on my emotional hurts.

---------------------------------------------------------------

i remember the way you look when you were asleep. the way your nose twiched, then your upper lip, and how you would clamp your teeth together as i stiffled a hearty laugh. i remember observing you with such amusement that i could just laugh for minutes sitting on your bed while watching you chomp in your sleep on the uncomfortable looking chair.

i remember the way you winced and held back the lethal glare when i accidentally bonked your hand and shoved the horrid drip thing up. i remember the mixture of guilt, relief and gladness that made me frown at myself. ask me why i was glad.

i remember your beaming face as you recovered. each time the doctors would affirm your good progress and how you would do even better the next day. i was worried that you would overstrain yourself. and i still do. but i trust in God who heals all. most of all, i pray you put your trust in Him.

i love you, my baby wolverine.

*things to mention when i'm more energetic : the stupid singh. the stupid nurses. and stupid you -pif-

itch.

2006-08-20T20:13:00.000+08:00

when sudden fear grips,
my heart stops.
and i look heavenward,
for His peace.

i worry for your operation.

finally went to see the doctor today after deliberating for so long. not feeling too well with all those meds working in my system. kinda hyper alive yet dead-ish feeling. 2 more days of exams and i'll be free for my first real holiday in my entire lifetime of studying. well at least for once, there are totally no projects and assignments or school related rubbish to do during the upcoming 2 month break. thank God.

ugh. and the itch in my throat is killing me.

i'm tired yet awake. its a mighty strange feeling. and i have this strange urge to hug something... or someone. just that particular someone. a pity rawr is too small. (think pencil box size and similarly flat-ish with nothing inside) sighs. i wonder what things will be like in the weeks to come. honestly, i worry for my dearie's back. its strange cus i previously had God's peace. i think its the meds and the impending time of the month thing going. seriously terrible combination. oh yes, and not to mention, exam stress.

haven't had the motivation to study at all over the weekend. not too sure if i can make it for the coming 2 papers. We've got the guidelines for CS1.1 so it ain't that bad. just that i still can't get myself down to really studying for it, and the exam is tomorrow. oh joy.

Then there's CD1.2 which i think half the course populus has totally no idea about. no guidelines. no nothing. and the lectures were kind of a big mess without clear markers on what the module aims to accomplish. God's grace! i need God's grace! otherwise.... wait, no otherwise.

and i need to learn to speak to the sickness that so plagues me. it really seems that choy's perpetual/prolonged cough fabrication has weaved itself into reality. for me at least. *mutters under breath*

so many people i need to catch up with after my exams! let's make a nice little list so i won't forget...
1. there's Jo, who's going to York!
2. clement. but when will his prelims end?!
3. hanliang! oh gosh, wait, or is he already back in the states?
4. alex. we keep taking turns falling sick ey.
5. astro? meeps. i think dearie wouldn't like it.
6. didi and joshjosh. hehe. skating and the secret *****-******! i hope josh is a good teacher.
7. bryan... hmm.
8. shannon! yes shannon. 13th Sept ey? i'll try.

and to top that all off, i would need to spend most of my time looking after the bed-ridden penguin. i really hope he doesn't grow too fat in the process of lying in bed and playing RO all day. not very good for health dear.

and once again. i think i should go and study. or maybe i should just go sleep. ahh.

Please don't stop talking to me, Papa.

2006-08-17T22:06:00.000+08:00

Just came back from the movie 'The Break-up'. i think Jennifer Aniston is elegant. and the show wasn't as good as i had hoped, but if any guy could understand what Brooke meant by: "I don't want you to wash the dishes! i want you to want to wash the dishes!", the he'd probably be halfway to understanding the temperaments of the female kind. but i suppose most guys won't really get it. its the whole i'm-dense-in-the-head thing. hmmm.

and 12 lemons, not 3. yes, the centrepiece means more to us than it does to you because we think beyond the lemons, and the dishes, and the ballet. tough to understand us girls now ain't it?

now enough about the movie. i have an exam tomorrow.

an exam tomorrow?

yeah you heard me right. and yes i did just go for a movie. but hey don't get me wrong. i'm neither so confident in my studies nor that much of an i-can't-care-less person... i just... couldn't really absorb much today. spent the morning (which i had originally planned to spend studying) being my mum's fashion consultant. not that my fashion sense is any good, but that's what happens when my sis's is not around. o wells. mum has some dinner function tonight and she was recking her brains on what to wear...

boy has she ALOT of clothes. black clothes. or black gown-ish things, for that matter.

so we ended up only reaching her office at about 12ish. and i couldn't really concentrate much the whole afternoon i spent there. come to think of it, out of this whole week, the only productive time i had was on tuesday, spending the whole day studying cd 1.1.

and now the rest of my study plans have gone down the drain yet again. bugger.

i think febs is good for my mental health. it keeps me alert and able to concentrate! but mucosolvan and rhinathyol w promonthazin (or however you spell that) kinda kills my brain. so perhaps i should take febs tmr... but it doesn't help my nose! ahhh. crapps.

LORD HEAL ME!

oh yes and here's a conversation i had with God today, while waiting for the bus to my mom's office.

me: gosh its so hot....

stares at the lady the beside me who starts spitting randomly across the bus stop.
she spits over my leg and her spittle lands a splat on the floor.

me: (ew. gross)

me: gosh God its so hot... could you mighty please just send us the bus.... please please please please please.......... ugh.

God: but i want to tell you about the trees i made

me: huh?!

notices this tree along the road that stood out from the rest. it seemed to be made up of little round bushels of leaves put together in a very cute fashion.

me: uh okay... it is kind of cute. yes God you are very creative in making trees.....

starts to wonder if the whole God-tree thing is just a figment of my imagination.

God: you know i love all of you so much that i made so many pretty things for all of you. like these trees. I planned every detail, now dont' you think its perfect? And it even provides good shade.

me: trying not to be rude. but God... i really don't want to hear about the trees right now... i just want the bus... i was getting impatient from waiting since morning for my mom, and then, for the bus.

*still wondering if it is all a figment of my imagination or whether i was actually talking to myself*

me: if it really were God, He'd send me the bus right away. but i feel so bad.

alter-ego: its like, you always hear stories about how other people treat God like Santa Claus... now you're doing it too... He tries to tell you something and you just demand what you want out of Him and disregard everything else. you hypocrite.

God: Alright then
and i swear i caught a hint of sadness in His voice. serious.

me: i must be imagining things.

turns around

the bus arrived.

ahhhhhhhhhhh.

and He was really trying to tell me how much He loved me.

ling, you ingrate!

i'm sorry Lord. Please forgive me.

back in the line

2006-08-16T10:41:00.000+08:00

and here i am again. makes me wonder why. but that's for me to know and for you to find out.